I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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