Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
