her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
