i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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