I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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