The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize