we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
