You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
