Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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