ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
