i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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