obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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