You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
