i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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