Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
