Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
