I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize
