1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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