i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
i now understand why vodka
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
