My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
