I smell stomach acid.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
