I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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