Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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