I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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