i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
