Betty ford says i'm here all night
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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