i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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