Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
