woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
