Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
