I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
