Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
well you can't waste a boner
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
