Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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