Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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