i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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