I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
