hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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