And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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