actually, I'm a sock model
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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