i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
