so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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