Im at strip club and am horny
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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