Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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