ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
