just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
