She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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