I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
