Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
