I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
