i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
