Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
